The Hairy Truth

Road racers, much like fashion models, are all about aerodynamics and sheen.  Nothing quite says speed more than shiny smooth surfaces, like clean-shaven faces, legs and for this author one fateful day back in 1989, arms. OK maybe that was excessive.

Well as you are probably aware by now, road races are so yesterday, because right now it's cyclocross season.  The seasons change and so do the ingredients necessary to be a successful racer.  As a rookie racer in this unique discipline, I'm learning what it takes to fit in.  It's hair - and lots of it!

Kauper, who hopefully threw his razor out last night.

Take 'hairy legs' here - at a road race he gets a lot of stares, but in 'cross its like "who brought the IRS agent"?  Even the former ex-pro 'cross racers in the background of this picture look on disapprovingly.  They wonder if he'll figure out the "secret" in time to hold the series lead.

Nah, the leaderboard is littered with guys like this rouge's alley.  They know the secret which I will break down for you right now!  HAIR+TATS=STYLE and unless we're going to an insurance convention to race our bikes we need to get with it people.

"I'm fast and I save a ton of money on hair products"

"Let me show you how it's done ol chap, what what!"

Doctors say excessive hair growth is an symptom of excessive testosterone levels.  I say bullcrud, its the reverse, the more hair, the more energy a 'cross racer can pull out of the air.  Much like a sea anemone uses its tendrils to eat whatever floats by, a 'stached or bearded 'cross racer can literally pull the testosterone occurring naturally in the air into their faces and heads and then its just simple capillary action to get it to the legs and a top ten performance. Duh.

Are these two 'rocking enough strands'?

uhhhh, no way right?

And this guy?

photo: Michelle Woerner

No way - that skin is pampered, my guess is he shaves his face like those guys on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".

So, I conclude with an open letter to FareStart and all those who love them.  If you want your racer to take it to the next level this year in 'cross you must join me in unplugging the trimmer!  Hide the razor!  Tell the barber you moved out of town because until we can bring the complete package like Ricker here, we don't stand a chance.

ps - Cycle U., is this part of 'cross boot camp?
pps- all photos courtesy of Amara Boursaw at www.wheelsinfocus.com